Quoth Ice...

Ice_Princess said...

... I think that you are experiencing a duality :) Magdalena and I were discussing duality so it's on my mind. You want to be independent and capable but also taken care of, and frankly who doesn't? Isn't that what we all want, someone to take care of us once in a while and whom we can take care of....

I don't think I could possibly agree with you more! Duality is a perfect word to describe how I feel, and I read your post on it just to make sure I understood what you meant. I think many people, perhaps women in particular, feel that tug in two different directions. My ambitious and adventurous side urges me to be independant and to be completely in control of my own life.

In this way, sometimes, I simply find it nearly impossible to believe that I have chosen to allow my husband to make rules for me, like a child, and have so much control over so many aspects of my life.

Simultaneously, as much as I crave my independance and freedom, I am happily overwhelmed by the care he takes in attending to me. I have never in my life, prior to knowing Gaelin, had another person on whom I could totally depend for everything, both physical and emotional.

Being controlled makes me feel two things at once. The first feeling reminds me of my own childhood, feeling outraged by having no control over my own life. Feeling angry at having someone else's will imposed over my own. That is my gut reaction.

My second reaction is a healing reaction because my relationship with G is nothing like my real childhood was. Although he is strict, his rules truly are for my own good. He is consistent, reasonable, and predictable. Unlike my childhood experience, these rules make sense, they apply at all times, and breaking them always has the same result. Unlike my childhood, I feel safe within these rules. Though I am disciplined, I am never yelled at, never cursed at, and never left feeling unloved. This difference makes all the difference in the world. It heals my inner child.

That is my duality. On one hand, my first reaction to my childhood is that I want to be completely 100% free as an adult to do everything my way. The other reaction is that I want a chance to do childhood over again, better. Choosing to give someone control over you is just not the same as having someone take it without your consent. I have consented and I don't regret it even when it presents me with some real emotional challenges.

...I am curious though after reading his post, do either sets of parents know about this side of your relationship or other members of the family? If so how does that work out? ...

My own family knows nothing of the personal aspects of our relationship. I am not especially close with my family and so these kinds of conversations just don't come up. As for Gaelin's family, he is one of four boys who are all quite close, and I believe that his brothers are aware that things are different with us. Though I doubt they realise the extent of our lifestyle, they seem aware of the fact that he is wearing the figurative pants on the relationship. Even his parents seem to understand this intuitively.

Perhaps this is a result of knowing him all his life. People always seem to defer to him. When we go out with friends, people always seem to turn to him to make decisions about where we should go, what we will do, what time we will meet and where. He is decisive and sure of himself, and he is charismatic. A natural leader! When his family calls me to set up dinner visits with us, they will say things like, "Check with Gaelin and get back to us." . It seems clear to me that they know he makes our decisions. Everyone who knows him seems to depend on him for guidance and leadership to some extent and in this way I think of him as being a Daddy to the world! Hah!

But as for the intimate details, they are between us. We do have a few very close friends with whom he has shared some minor details (much to my mortification!) but we both realise that most people don't understand or appreciate the kind of life we have chosen and so we don't open ourselves up for criticism in that way.

Oh and your comment reminds me, I have a vice that occurs when I don't take care of myself, a few actually. I am in trouble with a friend of mine over that, but I think I'm safe because he too would have a long trip.

This sounds intriguing. Share if you want to, but don't give G any further evil ideas if you please! :)